


Heartbreaking Lament

by GamerWires627



Category: OFF (Game)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Anorexia, Anxiety Disorder, Assault, Bullying, Character Death, Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drunkenness, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Grief/Mourning, Heartache, High School, Homophobia, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mutual Pining, No Fluff, Overdosing, Panic Attacks, Rape, Rape Aftermath, References to Depression, Sexual Assault, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, suicide baiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-23
Packaged: 2020-03-08 09:02:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18891430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GamerWires627/pseuds/GamerWires627
Summary: Zacharie is, and never was good at dealing with loss. He keeps himself away from the others and destroys himself, bit by bit. (If he would only realize that it was not his fault)Valerie is, but normally isn't, enraged. He wants to know why- why he's away from his dear brother permanently. (If he would only see the true reasons lying in plain sight)Sugar is, as she has always been, a slave to her addiction. Her only gripe is that she no longer has someone to drink with. (If she would ever become sober)Batter is, as he has never been, mourning. He misses the friend he only wished he had. (If he would ever know that his refusal to reach out directly led to death)Vader is satisfied. As far as she's concerned, he got what he deserved. (If she would only get her head out of her ass)





	1. The Best Friend

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place in an alternate reality of All Bets Are Off.

"Zacharie, wake up," said the blonde girl. She snuffed out her cigarette as she shook him again. "Go home."

"Hm?" he groaned. His dull green eyes met her deep blue.

She threw his mask and sweater at him. "Go home," she repeated, but softer. 

Zacharie was soon rushed out the door. Instead of going back to the horrors waiting for him at home, he turned right on his heel and headed for Valerie's house.

He walked in through the unlocked door and didn’t bother to announce his presence. He went straight up the stairs and turned right to Valerie’s room, ignoring the room across the hall, still blocked off. Ignoring that within the last week, he had been in that room for the final time.

Ignoring what he saw when he was in that room for the final time.

* * *

 

_He had let himself in with the spare key under the welcome mat. Just as he turned the knob, he heard a muffled CRACK, like a firework or firecracker._

_But his heart sank to his feet as he climbed the stairs and turned left._

_A gun. A pale, scarred hand. Blood splattering the wall. Beautiful golden eyes half closed. Just the hint of a smile crossing his lips. Fallen in an uncomfortable position, but dead before the body hit the ground._

_He didn’t remember falling to his knees, but now he was on the ground. H_ _e heard screaming. It took longer than it should have to realize it was him. Before he knew it, his face was stripped of its protection and he was sobbing. Bawling, screaming and pounding his dead best friend's chest. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Eventually he forced himself away and threw up on the carpet. Unable to move, he shed tears over the puddle of vomit generated from crying too hard._

_It was all his fault._

_He should have noticed something was wrong. How had he managed to ignore the blatant signs? His amazing best friend had needed him._

_And he did not help._

_Afterwards, he would not remember dialing the number in a futile attempt to save him. No doctor could save him now._  

* * *

And that is how Zacharie found himself crying like a baby on Valerie's bed. Valerie couldn't do much except hold his mask and pat his head. Valerie said something quietly about it not being Zacharie's fault, but Zacharie couldn't believe him.

Valerie, kind, caring, dramatic Valerie, was not at fault. Valerie had been so busy lately, while Zacharie ran wild and did whatever he pleased. Zacharie should have noticed something was wrong when Pablo said, with no hint of a smile, that he wanted to stay in that night. Zacharie should have noticed something was wrong when Pablo said he didn't even want Zacharie there for company.  

He should have noticed.

Pablo was  _suffering_. Zacharie should have picked up on something,  _anything_ to save him. Pablo was sweet, gentle, intelligent, and beautiful. He smiled so often. Why did he smile if he was dying? Why wouldn't he try to get help? Why did he hide? Was he afraid of being judged? Was he scared nobody would take his problems seriously? No. It had to be something else. Pablo knew Zacharie and Valerie would never judge him. He wouldn't be afraid of that. 

Pablo had been slower, sluggish even during his last few days. It was almost like he had the flu, until he disappeared for a while and came back with a smile. He had had a nervous breakdown during a stressful week. Zacharie remembered trying uselessly to comfort him. Was that one of the reasons?

He should never have given Pablo to Sugar. She had only made things worse, though she meant well. Introductions were a mistake. A mistake Zacharie made. It would be so much easier to blame Sugar for leading Pablo down a dark path, but Zacharie was incapable of doing that.

The worst part, as Valerie always said, was the suicide note. A mess of illegible chicken scratch recognizable as how Pablo took notes in class. The only part of the note that anyone could read was the signature at the bottom. Pablo Emile Félín. Gorgeous cursive writing that Pablo never normally used due to it hurting his hand to write. 

Valerie pulled Zacharie into his lap. “It’s okay,” he whispered. “We all miss him.”

“Why?” Zacharie whimpered. “Why did he do it?”

This made Valerie’s own sapphire eyes sparkle with tears he dare not let fall. “I don’t know. The note is unreadable.”

“Do you think he still wrote all fancy?” murmured the smaller boy. “With those stupidly long words?”

“Maybe. The hospital said he had alcohol in his system, though…-” (Zacharie knew this) “-...you know how he was when he was drunk.”

Zacharie also knew that.

“Maybe he was too upset. Maybe he was scared. Oh…. oh _god_. He must have been terrified, why else would he-?!”

“Valerie. Don’t get yourself all upset now.”

"I... I know... Just- he-"

"Valerie. Suicide isn't easy. Of course he was scared."

* * *

School was complete and utter hell. Zacharie normally got through it by filling a water bottle with vodka. It was no secret to the school that he was either drunk or high most of the time.

Zacharie, Valerie, Sugar, and Pablo (occasionally Batter depending on if he and Vader were talking) were part of the kids-nobody-gave-a-shit-about-and-hey-let's-torment-them group. If Zacharie wanted to get to his locker, or to his favorite bathroom, he had to walk past the graffiti wall. The wall filled with insults about various students that the staff kept trying to keep clean to no avail. 

 **Susie Sweet is a druggie and slut**. Been there since January. Someone kept rewriting it. Next to it was written the number she'd since had changed.

 **Valerie Félín is probably just like his brother.** That was new. Nobody ever thought Valerie and Pablo were alike.

And then there was the recent messages about Pablo. The old  **Pablo Félín is a WHORE** , written by Vader herself.  **yeah he probably spreads his legs for anyone.**  Then **Call him!** with another old number written next to it.  **Fucking coward**.  **im feeling sad... time to go pull a Pablo!**

Pulling a "Pablo" was the most vicious inside joke Zacharie had seen as of late. 

He took another swig.

Better.

Before he knew it, lunchtime had come around again. He slipped into the bathroom for a smoke break and was delighted to find Sugar waiting for him.

" _Bonjour_ , _ma_ _chérie~-"_

"You're not funny," she grumbled.

Ah. Withdrawal had set in for her. 

He tried to hand her a cigarette, which she rejected. "Jozlyn doesn't want me smoking. She'd flip if she smelled smoke on me."

"Isn't this the fourth time she's tried to break you of it?"

"She'll forget again. She always does."

Zacharie made the best of his break, taking slow drags and craving his "water" bottle. He didn't eat lunch any more. Sugar pretty much had never done so. Valerie stopped eating as well, spending his lunch period in the library. Zacharie almost thought Valerie was falling down a similar path as Pablo had. Spending lunch in the library to avoid the critical gaze of peers. Almost never eating anything, being light as a feather.

Zacharie hoped to God Valerie wasn't doing that.

He did not want another dead friend.

* * *

 

Zacharie slept over at Valerie's again that night. He tried to avoid going home as much as he could, due to his father's attitude towards him. He also hated being reminded of what a failure he was.

He was tired. He'd locked himself in the guest room and drank himself to sleepiness, yet he would not fall asleep. He reached for the pills. 

One. Then two. Three. Four. Five. Lost count. Ten? Whatever. He passed out.

Or did he? 

Valerie was yelling at him now. "What have you done?!"

Didn't he lock that door? Did he take all of them? Did Valerie start to cry?

He just wanted to sleep. 

Death was only a bonus.

* * *

Sugar smells like body spray. Zacharie woke up alive the next day. Good. The Félín house didn't need another death. Sugar was leaning over him when he woke up. Her breath already smelled like alcohol. "You're in trouble," she crooned. "Valerie cried himself to sleep last night because of you. I told him you didn't do enough to die and he passed out. I came over."

"So you did."

"Did you want to see him again?"

 _Yes._ "What?"

"Pablo. Did you want to see him?"

"Of course. We all want to see him alive again."

"I don't mean like that. I mean, yaknow. What happened. Before he died."

"What do you-?"

"You can't seriously forget that happened." She smirked and made a suggestive hand gesture.

"Oh. That was-" his face flushed- "only a one-time thing!" 

She headed out of the room, calling over her shoulder: "Then why are you still obviously pining? Batter-boy is right there, yaknow..."

He had no idea what she meant. 

 

* * *

Pablo didn't die a virgin. Of that much, Zacharie was certain.  _Hey, that rhymes_. 

There was no telling what secrets Pablo was hiding. But Zacharie can remember that fateful night, both of them drunk out of their minds. Going to Zacharie's house in the dead of night afterwards. Zacharie's father, that fucking toady asshole, calling Pablo by "That little twink _you_ brought home". 

It was Zacharie's fault.

Zacharie knew it in his soul.

He went back to Sugar and Jozlyn's house. He wanted a cheap high and he wanted it now.

Maybe it would distract him from the guilt.

* * *

It was Jozlyn who woke him after his alcohol binge. "Sugar's at Valerie's," she said. "He said something about finding something important."

Zacharie, hungover like never before (always), declined. He sprawled out on her couch and went back to sleep after she brought him something for his headache. 

He was slowly dying, wasn't he? Just like Pablo, with all his cuts and burns and bruises and scratches and needlemarks-

Wait.

Needlemarks?

Where was-? Maybe the memories of Sugar's mutilated arms due to her addiction were crossing over. He couldn't think straight anymore. 

He wanted to sleep.

Jozlyn tried to offer him something besides a painkiller. White powder and a credit card. He didn't remember accepting or denying it. He remembers some sort of uplifting feeling, marred by the hangover. Was it cocaine? No. He wouldn't accept cocaine. It had to be weed. Or maybe it wasn't. What was going on?

Something was wrong. Desperately wrong. What had he taken last night? Did he wrongly treat his overdose? He was dying. He was sure of it. Sugar was wrong. He didn't want to die. 

But he wanted to see Pablo again.

* * *

Zacharie woke up next on the couch to a crying Sugar at the small table, clutching an empty bottle. She was drunk, obviously, spilling her heart out to him. She didn't care that he had passed out.

She was wearing only a black strapless bra and white shorts. The bruises and needlemarks all over her arms-- one looked recent, even-- were clearly visible as she wept.

"I sh-sh-shouldn't h-have given him.... that...."

"Who?" Zacharie asked, his voice raspy.

"V-Val knows.... he  _knows_..."

"What does he...? What's going on?"

"I g-g-gave Pablo... he w-wanted to be happy..."

"So you gave him drugs."

She nodded and hiccuped. 

"What did you give him?"

"He tried... so many... before he..." she slammed her head into the table, overcome with her grief. "Settled on..."

"What did he take, Sugar?"

"I-I-I-I...." She kept hiccuping and blubbering. Zacharie couldn't understand what she was trying to tell him. 

"Sugar-"

His words were lost as she thrust her arm into his line of sight. She met his eyes and said, "This."


	2. The Brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valerie finds a few things he almost wished he hadn't.

Valerie had never been the type of person to take charge. The death of his brother, however, brought change.

Why?

Because he was angered.

How did nobody notice? Pablo was obviously doing worse. His grades were slipping, he didn't want to socialize any more. He skipped almost every meal. He stayed up to ungodly hours of the night and fell asleep in class. The few times he fell asleep at a decent time, he would appear in the morning as though he had not had a lick of rest. Every short-sleeved shirt in his wardrobe had seemingly been discarded. His mood often fluctuated between light and happy to irritable and tired with no in-between.

Valerie had lost his brother a long time ago. It was only that there was no saving at this point.

The room across the hall had bothered Valerie for a long time. The funeral was barely passed, and his mother couldn't bring herself to do anything with that room. Nobody had even gone inside.

Valerie's father was there when he walked into the living room. Jules Félín had a beer in his hand and the same sad, empty look as he'd had since the day of Pablo's death.

"Valerie," he said softly. "Do you know how I found out?"

"No."

"I was driving home from work- no, the airport. Home from a business trip. I was waiting for a call, my phone was on. I got a call and picked up. But it wasn't my coworker... it was the hospital."

"...Oh."

"They told me that my son shot himself in the head and they were trying to save him. He was still alive when I got there, but he was in surgery. He died while they were operating. They couldn't revive him. They came out and told me he was gone. Zacharie was there, he had called the ambulance. When he heard Pablo was dead, he just... fell. Crumpled like a leaf, fell onto his knees and started bawling. Your mother wasn't there yet, the hospital said they kept calling but she wasn't picking up. I thought- what if something had happened to her as well? You don't just keep ignoring calls from the hospital, there's a reason you're being called."

Valerie was silent. He sat down next to his father.

"Eventually she picked up. They told her Pablo killed himself and they weren't able to do anything. She came to the hospital crying. After they sent us home, we called you."

"Right. I remember."

He had been with Japhet and some theater friends. Japhet was being suggestive towards him when he received a message from his mom.

**_From: Mom_ **

_home. now._

Japhet told him to ignore it.

Then she called.

Her voice sounded as though she'd been sobbing for the past hour when he picked up. She told him something happened and he had to come home right away.

When he finally convinced Japhet to drive him home, his parents were sitting quietly in the living room, as he and his father were now. Zacharie was sitting in the armchair, his mask missing and tears streaming quietly down his face. They told him his twin brother killed himself while they were all out.

 _He must have planned it_ , Valerie thought as he left his father.  _But he didn't think Zacharie would be worried._

He climbed the stairs again, but turned left instead of right. He took a deep breath with his hand on the doorknob. He stepped in.

The bloodstain had been, in fact, cleaned. By who? The gun had been disposed of recently. He checked the top nightstand drawer. A razorblade with dried blood, a lighter, a laptop, a hypodermic needle-

Wait.

What?

Yes. A hypodermic needle. Unused.

_What the hell, Pablo?_

He took the laptop and left. The unreadable suicide note, kept by Valerie himself on the dresser. The laptop would, perhaps, have some clues. A Word Document, anything really. Valerie desperately wanted to just know why. Why did he do it? He had to have a reason. It certainly wasn't Zacharie's fault.

Unsure of where to go, he went on Word as he had thought. To his surprise, there was in fact a recently opened document.

He scanned it; it appeared to be some form of digital diary? He skimmed through the mundane first few entries and soon hit something.

_I feel... exhilarated, to say the least. As I am fully aware of the last night's events, I will not recount them. But now I have the comfort of knowing I will not be "one of those guys who'll be a virgin til he dies" (looking at you, Sugar). Valerie initially refused to believe Zacharie and I. Nevertheless, he soon realized the evidence was decisive and accepted that his twin brother lost his virginity before him._

_Unless Japhet and Valerie have been up to things I was previously unaware of._

Valerie's face flushed as he skipped to the next entry. This was the following Monday's, as it seemed.

_Vader threatened me. She seems to think that I am attempting to steal her boyfriend._

_While I do swing that way, her boyfriend happens to be a twig. I suppose she only wants to flex her popularity. Batter is a worthy addition to my meager group of friends. I believe I will not let her scare me into leaving him in the dust._

He didn't write much over this time. Understandable, since it was the week  **Pablo Félín is a WHORE** appeared on the wall. The next weekend's few entries, however...

_Yet another party. Why does Zacharie love these events so much? Valerie is only going so that Zacharie and I do not get ourselves into a similar situation. I expect he will pass out by the end of the night._

That was nothing compared to the next.

 _i m very tired i need to sleep but  
_ _im in a lot of pain  
_ _i cantreally think straight at the moment i ll write what happened later  
_ _jsut_

_i need a minute_

What happened? What in the world happened? Valerie flicked to the next entry with rising panic- what had he missed?

_I'm back_

_I guess that i have to talk about it now_

_there was_

_i_

_i really dont want to write it out._

_iwasdrunk and scared and confused and now im hungover and it sucks :/_

_thats not it_

_So, i need to gather my_ _courage_

_...alright. I'm ready_

_Valerie, Sugar, or zacharie would never believe me if I told them. At least, they wouldn't take me seriously._

_Last night, someone older offered my drunken ass a ride home. As an absolute imbecile, I accepted. He didn't take me to my house. He brought me to his._

_I didn't want to get out of his car. i was afraid. He screamed at me and hit me and threatened me. I still said no._

_Then he dragged me into the backseat and he_

_god i cant_

_he_

Valerie's eyes filled with tears.  _No. No. No. Nononononono._  How could he-?! Why would he ever think Valerie wouldn't take him seriously?! Oh  _god_. Valerie wanted to throw up.

_i started crying i think when he was done_

_then he grabbed me and brought me into his house_

_i wouldnt go anywhere so he threw me on his bed and_

_Yep. Gonna throw up._

Tears mixed with vomit in the toilet bowl. He flushed and eventually pulled himself back to the laptop.

_He kicked me right out in the morning. I walked home with a black eye. Some girl tried to make conversation with me, I don't remember her much._

_I need to get some sleep._

* * *

Valerie had not been able to tear himself away from the digital diary, no matter how it hurt to read. He'd compiled all the worst entries in it's own file. Documenting exactly the worst things that had happened so far. Every possible reason Pablo could have had for putting a gun to his head and pulling the trigger.

But he was not finished.

_i fucking hate japhet_

_he_

_valerie would hate me if i told him. he would think i was jealous, probably_

_he hit when i was alone. i kept rejecting him because he was already with my brother, of course_

_he grabbed me and said if i didnt let him then he would tak e me by force_

_i tried to scream but_

What the fuck.

What the  **fuck**.

WHAT THE FUCK.

**_To: Babe_ **

_We're breaking up, you motherfucking rapist._

**_From: disgusting_ **

_how did you find out? and, fun fact, it wasn't really rape. he wanted it. i deserved it._

**_To: disgusting_ **

_you fucking asswipe. he said no. he tried to scream and you COVERED HIS MOUTH_

**_From: disgusting_ **

_whatever. i thought he was the smart one. he should have known better._

**_To: disgusting_ **

_just fucking wait. youre going to regret everything._

* * *

_i hate having a uterus, but at least now i know he didn't get me pregnant._

_actually, that makes me hate my body even more_

Good. Well, mostly. The body-hating part isn't good.

_Vader's being more of a bitch than she normally is._

Shit.

_Zacharie and I went to see Sugar today. He left. She offered me something_

_I'm ashamed to say I took it._

What?!

_I don't like needles. So she gave me something else._

_The come-down sucks._

Skip, skip, skip, skip-

_apparently I'm over it. i cant believe i never tried it before. its perfect._

A week later,  _Pablo please don't-_

_i hate it._

_withdrawal sucks. why did she give this to me, it's only making things worse_

_I need it._

* * *

Finally. The last entry.

_I have a gun. Don't ask me how. Valerie and my parents are all going to be out. I'm going to stay in. I can't face any of them. I don't want them to know what I was doing, so I haven't bought. I ran out two days ago._

_I feel like I'm dying._

_I'll write a note. Get drunk so I don't chicken out._

_Nobody would be able to save me. Hopefully._

_After all, the world doesn't need me in it, I'm just a_ _junkie and a whore._

_Vader, you win._

_bye._

_-Pablo_

* * *

He was in a trance. Picking up his phone and calling the first person.

"Sugar. I need you to see this. It's important."

* * *

"What's on your mind?" came the tired call of his mother.

Lounging on the couch with a sullen, shell-shocked tone, it was easy for anyone to see his brain was troubling him. "It's nothing," he lied.

"Valerie."

"No."

"Valerie!"

"What?"

"Talk to me. You're obviously upset," she said, sitting down on the couch. Her eyes were puffy and red.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Too bad. What's going on?"

"I can't tell you. You would be mad."

"Try me."

"I can't!"

She took him by the hands. "Valerie. That's how we lost Pablo. I can't lose you too."

"You're not  _going_  to lose me-"

"Is it about him?"

"Maybe."

"Tell me." She let go.

"...Fine... but it's not... pretty."

He took a deep breath. She sat on the edge of her seat, nervously kneading her fingers together.

He began.

* * *

Tears. Both mother and son had dissolved by the time he was done.

He hadn't even told her the worst of it- all he had said was the two seperate times Pablo had been-

Well.

You know.

* * *

Batter wasn't a very emotional person. As Valerie cried on his shoulder, all the tall boy did was awkardly pat him on the back.

"What happened?"

"...I don't want to talk about it..."

And yet still, anger burned in him.

He had no clue who the first man was, but he had other ways.

He wanted to ruin the people who had hurt his brother. No matter what it took.


End file.
